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An
Apology from Bland Hill Jr.
For
First Degree Murder, Armed Robbery, Kidnapping, and Conspiracy
On August 18, 1978, myself and two accomplices concocted a scheme to rob
unsuspecting motorists on the roadside. We did the first robbery in
Raleigh. The victim was a young man named George Ballentine.
We robbed him, terrorized him, then locked him in the trunk of his car.
We didn't get much money and decided to rob someone else.
We moved to Highway 98 near the Durham County line where a car with
three guys stopped. Their names were Richard Pickens, Roger
Bumgardner, and Jerry Romine. They were from West Virginia and were
on their way to Nags Head. From the outset, things became very
chaotic. I became physically and verbally abusive to them. We
then tried to force all three of them into the trunk of their car, but
only two would fit.
I proceeded to lock Mr. Pickens and Mr. Bumgardner into the trunk.
Then I forced Mr. Romine to drive to a secluded area on a dirt road
off Highway 50. When we stopped the car, my partners pulled in
behind us. I forced Mr. Romine from the car and asked one of my
accomplices what we should do. He replied, "B.J. (that has been
my nickname since childhood), I don't know." After he said
that, I shot Mr. Romine in the head. Then, I went around to the
trunk of their car and emptied the pistol into it. We left believing
I had killed three people. Thank God Mr. Bumgardner and Mr. Pickens
were not killed; however, they were traumatized terribly.
In less than 24 hours, I was arrested and charged with first degree
murder, four counts of armed robbery, three counts of kidnapping, and
conspiracy. I found out that my accomplices had fully cooperated
with the police and were testifying against me. I was enraged with
every negative emotion imaginable. I felt betrayed—even
victimized—without a bit of shame, remorse or guilt over the brutal,
senseless acts I had committed.
During my trial, I never felt an ounce of compassion for my victims as
they described the horrible experiences I had caused them. All I
felt was hatred and self-pity because my co-defendants had turned against
me, and because the State was trying to put me on death row. For
some reason, the jury spared me and I received three consecutive life
sentences.
I was ordered to Central Prison in Raleigh. The fact that my
co-defendants received lesser sentences only fueled my very negative
attitude. I vowed to kill them both if I ever had the chance.
In prison I resumed my illegal lifestyle of drug addiction and
alcoholism. This kept me in trouble with the staff and the other
prisoners. I did several stretches in segregation for various
offenses. In July of 1981, I was placed on intensive management
lock-up indefinitely for assaulting another prisoner with a weapon.
It was during the next two and a half years that I began to come to
terms with the fact that I was/am responsible for all that has ever
happened in my life. I suppose that was a spiritual awakening of a
sort for me. Around that same time, I read a story in "Readers
Digest" by a crime victim who had been forced into a car trunk.
That really hit home and evoked some deep feelings that
caused me to call on the God of my understanding to help me deal with
everything.
My entire outlook on life eventually began to change. I
immediately began to want to make amends for all the wrong I had done.
One of my first acts of contrition was to write to my co-defendants
and apologize for the bad thoughts and threats I'd made toward them.
They both wrote and forgave me and I felt a genuine sense of peace
from that.
There are many other people on my amends list: the main ones are Mr.
Ballentine, Mr. Pickens, Mr. Bumgardner and the family and friends of Mr.
Romine. It is to these people I now wish to express my most sincere
apologies. There aren't enough words to convey the remorse and pain
I feel over the vile acts that I committed. For a long time I have
felt a need to say these things, but, to be honest, I was afraid that
saying all this would re-open old wounds. I hope and pray that they
can somehow feel my desire to be sensitive to them. I want them to
also know that I, too, also hurt. Not because of the punishment I
received, but because I've made them suffer needlessly.
The reason I have shared this is to show that I am a changed person.
That does not mean I feel like I am undeserving of punishment.
For many years I pursued various legal relief from these sentences, but I
have decided to let that go. I honestly believe I deserve to be
punished—not just for the acts I was arrested for, but also for the way
I lived. I was a threat to anyone who came into contact with me,
including myself.
I am grateful for this opportunity to share how I feel about the crimes
I am in prison for. Again, I hope and pray nothing I have said has
added to anyone's pain. I've done enough of that in my life and
never want to do it again.
Bland Hill Jr., is serving three life
sentences for first degree murder, armed robbery, kidnapping and conspiracy.
To
Forgive Is To Be Alive
It was 1:35 a.m. as I spoke in the phone with a friend who had big
problems in her life; she had found some love letters to her fiancé and
was ready to commit suicide. We talked for maybe 2 hours when I
heard a knock on my door. "Sorry, can you wait a minute, I
have to see who it is so late!"
I walked to the door, opened it and a
postman was standing there in the middle of the night with a telegram...I
knew at that moment it had something to do with my family.
**********
Two years
before my wife had left me because she found a friend -- a policeman.
I remember it was a tough time, even more so because we had a
daughter. But, we arranged it in a way that our little girl should
not be hurt too much. She lived with me half of the time, the other
half with her mom. It was good so -- she was so happy when she came
to dad, sorry when she had to say goodbye.
"Please, Daddy, come with me!"
I think I knew how it was for her because I also could also feel
the tears in my heart. She was too small to understand that it could
not be so.
One day, I brought her home and I saw she
had some blue places around her body and I asked her, "Did you
fall?"
"No, Daddy. He hit me."
What pain! A man hit my little girl;
I was so angry! And when I saw my wife next time -- it was when I had to
bring my daughter back to her -- I told her, "If this happens once
more, I will go to a lawyer!"
I was so sad when I had to leave my
daughter, but I just could not keep her with me. If only I knew
that I would never see her again. I prayed for her and I told her,
"Jesus takes care of you and Daddy takes care of you." We
always said this when we had to say goodbye and she always answered,
"Jesus takes care of Daddy and I take care of Daddy."
Next time I saw her, she was well -- no
marks. "Good! He does not hit you anymore!"
"Oh, he does, Daddy. He hits me
in my stomach." As a policeman, he knew where he had to do it
so that no one could see it.
"Does he also hit your mother?"
"No, Daddy, only me."
My heart was broken, I was helpless, and
when I had to leave her again, I walked to the police.
"Sorry, we don't think our man is
doing anything like that."
Helpless, pain, fear and my little
darling's big scared eyes when I had to leave her again. I will
never forget them! And now this telegram. It was from a hospital, I
should come because something serious had happened to my little angel!
It was as if the floor had opened up under my feet.
********** I could get
to my daughter by taking the 4 a.m. train. I arrived at the
hospital at 9:00 where the doctor told me I should be ready for a ugly
picture -- my daughter had been attacked by my ex-wife's fiancé.
"How bad is it, Doc?"
"Very. She is so badly wounded that
there is not much that we can do."
I could scream, but no, like a robot I went
in the room where my beloved princess, my angel, my everything, lay in a
bed. It was a shock.
I don't remember much more than that I lay
down in her bed and took her in my arms. She lay on my stomach, looked at
me with pain, but also with peace and joy.
"Now, Daddy takes care of me,"
she whispered quietly and full of peace.
"Yes, love, now Daddy takes care of
you and no one will ever hurt you again."
She did not answer, she lay silent on my
stomach like she always did when she was home and near daddy.
"Daddy takes care off me," she
whispered again, and those were the last words I ever heard from my girl's
mouth. An angel came, took her hand, and took her home to Jesus. My heart
was broken, someone hurt my beloved baby so much that she was no longer on
earth, and tomorrow she should be 6 years old. I still had the Teddy she
had wished for.
********** I was too
tired to feel anything else besides pain. At the burial, my ex-wife and I
hugged each other. You know, even after she left me, I knew that she was a
good mother; but, sometimes love makes one blind. At the burial, we found
each other again and I felt sorrow and pain for my wife. She moved back
home.
One week after the burial, I went to the
doctor because there was something on my head I didn't like. When I came
home, I called my wife's name. I found her in the bathroom; she had
committed suicide. And I had to say goodbye again. To explain what all
this makes in a man's life or heart is impossible. I was empty; I could
not feel any more and I asked God, "Why...why....why?"
Two weeks after the burial, the test came
back from the hospital; a scan showed a cancerous tumor in my brain. You
see, I never had the time to feel all the grief, to feel all the anger or
the hate that was there.
********** To make a
long story short -- my cancer is nearly gone; I will surely be an old, old
man.
I am married again to a wonderful, loving
wife and we have our little princess: Mathilde. She is my all, and now
nearly 2 years old. And, that Teddy I bought for my first child -- that is
now Mathilde's Teddy. When we speak about her big sister, we say,
"She is with Jesus in heaven!"
The policeman? Well, he was released
because of...an accident...he was moved to another city.
********** I had to work
a lot with me and my heart. I will never forget what happened and I will
never be the same old me again...something is destroyed. I still work on
it and it will take time. But I have faith in Jesus who loved us so much
that he died on the cross for our sins and he asked us to forgive. How
could I live as a Christian if it wasn't because I learned to forgive in
my heart?
The policeman will never be my friend; I
hope never to see him again, but I wrote him a letter and I told him that
I forgive him with Jesus' love. Maybe some day he will change his ways. He
changed mine forever!
********** Today, I work
against the death penalty because it is wrong to kill people in the name
of justice, in the name of God. It is wrong and it is not Christian. How
can politicians, governors, etc., in the US go to church and then sign
death warrants? They never understood the word of Christ! It is wrong, it
is murder, and it kills innocent people.
To Governor Bush, President Clinton, and
all the others who support the death penalty: "How can you say it is
okay to kill people when God's word says no? How can you be against
abortion and at the same time support the death penalty?"
I speak for the victims: "Dear folks,
please don't use us for these killings. We lost those whom we loved and
another killing will never bring our loved ones back to us."
I learned to forgive because Jesus loved me
first. May God bless us all.
-Written by S. R.
CONDEMNED
MAKE RESTITUTION
We Thank Betsy Wolfenden,
Co-Founder and President of Restitution Incorporated for allowing us to present this article. We
highly recommend you visit their web site for more. . .
Inmates who have committed violent crimes ranging from rape to murder
offering their apologies to those they have harmed.
And "Victims of Crime" striving to find healing and forgiveness in the aftermath of tragic violence.
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