Whenever
I have been asked questions as to what my life or my days are like
on death row, I have always wanted to send those lyrics to the
person asking me. But I never wanted to disturb anyone too much and
have him or her worrying about me. Now I am quite sure that everyone
I know, in this life, knows that I am indeed sane and that I am
going to be just fine.
I can very clearly still remember the day that a
jury of my so-called peers told me that they thought I should die
for my crimes. I sat there in disbelief, not feeling anything or
showing any type of emotion at all. All I could think was that I
don't blame them; it’s not their fault. The 13 of us had just sat
through a meaningless trial where I was painted as the worst person
that you could imagine. We sat through a trial full of lies and
deceit. As a matter of fact, the only truth that took place during
the whole trial was my defense and testimony. So I could not sit
there and hold any grudge against the 12 jurors that had just been
convinced to murder me in the name of justice.
In fact, I felt bad
for them. I had killed myself and was still trying to come to grips
with the terrible choices I had made. And here were 12 honest hard
working citizen that had just decided to kill me and they had been
convinced to do it through lies and deceit. The only difference at
that point between them and myself was that I did what I did and it
was against the law. They were going to be able to hide behind the
mask of so-called justice. I just hoped that they would be able to
sleep better at night than I did. I never once denied my guilt. So
my trial had no purpose at all, except to ensure that I received the
death penalty.
For 6 long weeks I had to sit there and listen to the lies and deceit,
wondering the whole time if maybe it may all be true. Did I just not see
it? It was, in fact, the most helpless that I have ever felt in my whole
life. Who were people going to believe? The police, detectives, jailhouse
snitches, and prosecutors? Or a man that had killed two people in the
course of a robbery? Well, you figure it out. I couldn't challenge the
lies and deceit because I had no credibility. Even though from the
beginning of it all I had stood up and accepted responsibility, I left the
courthouse that day on my way to death row, feeling ashamed, broken, and
beat down. Little did I know that by not challenging the lies and deceit
at that time 8 years latter it was going to rescue me from hell!
The strange thing about being told that you are a monster and should
die for your crimes and sins against man is that if you hear it enough and
really listen to it, you start to believe it and agree. And starting my
life on death row here at Walla Walla only increased the self-pity 100
fold. I entered my life here on death row, pretty well beaten even though
I was saying all the right things. I will fight this until the end, the
death penalty is unjust, and doesn't apply to me. The Death Penalty
doesn't deter violent crime. It is only a sentence of revenge.
Everything I felt and said was soon going to be tested to the limit. My
introduction to life in prison was being placed right into a super max
control unit. A unit set up and designed by the department of corrections
to break down troublemakers and get them to change their aggressive
behavior. It is a very effective unit too. But more times than not, it
doesn't rehabilitate a problem inmate; it drives most inmates over the
edge and create many more problems.
So this was my new world. Why was I being housed in a punishment unit?
My sentence of course. So I entered IMU, already feeling broken and on
edge. After being thrust into this incredibly insane environment, I was
expected to have the strength and desire to fight for my life? Now that
was hard. Already I had been told so often that I was a monster that I was
starting to believe it. Now I was going to be treated like an animal for
the next 8 years with only a few short breaks in between.
The best way to describe a super max unit to anyone that has never
experienced one is to ask you to go to the dog pound and visit the
dangerous dog section for a while. I was placed in a very small cell 23
hours a day, the light was never turned off, and I was fed through a small
slot in the solid steel door. I got one hour in the exercise yard a day
and a 10-minute shower. I did not leave my cell without being striped
searched first, handcuffed, place on a dog leash with a two-guard escort.
If I needed to shave I stood naked in the shower while a guard stood right
there and watched me shave. This is the environment that I had to find the
strength, desire, and courage to live and fight for my life.
I was 22 years old when I murdered 2 people in the course of a robbery.
I was 24 years old when I was told I should die for my crimes. I entered
my life on death row here at Walla Walla a very narrow minded, uneducated,
emotionally distressed kid. I had very little support because all of the
people that I considered friends no longer found me worthy of any type of
companionship. The one thing that I had going for me that many people in
my position do not have was that I had a very large family. Most of them
were there to support me in my fight for life. No they did not condone
what I had done. No one should! But their love for me never died and that
is something that I will always be very thankful for. The other thing I
carried with me into this life of death row that truly consumed me at
times was a huge amount of guilt and remorse for what I had done. I knew
within a week of my arrival on death row that I had better find a comfort
zone - some way to balance the guilt that I suffered. If I could not do
that, then my fight for life would be unsuccessful, that's for sure.
After and during a trial of this nature, you are pounded and beat down
with everything that was bad in your life and all the bad things that you
did. You start to buy into the thoughts and ideas because things in your
life were not perfect - in some cases, down right insane. You begin to
believe that you yourself had no chance at being good and something of
this nature was bound to happen. And none of it is really your fault. You
start to feel and believe that it was your destiny so to speak to be evil
and bad. I also carried a lot of that within myself. It took me years to
be able to focus on anything besides the bad things.
But I started to adjust to my life on death row. Soon the confined
space of my cell no longer bothered me. I enjoyed the solitude. I do, in
fact, credit the super max unit for the mindset and strength I have today.
I could deal with the cell, the light staying on 24 hours; I got used to
it. The noise was another matter; it was enough to drive you insane. I
learned to make and wear earplugs so I could think, and sleep. I even got
used to the strip searches and showing my asshole to the guards. Once I
learned that they did not enjoy looking at it as much as I hated showing
it to them, I started to have some fun with it. I would get as close to
the door as I could, spread my butt cheeks as far as I could and hold the
pose for an extra minute or so at least until they said okay that's good.
I understood right away that I could not fight this fight alone. My
family was great, but they could only do so much. So I started to contact
every death penalty support group that I could. I started to place ads
everywhere that I could think of. Soon the letters started to pour in from
all over the world. Strangers from everywhere wrote to me to extend their
hand of friendship and help me fight this fight. The smartest choice I
every made in my life was to not approach any of these friendships as a
hustle or a game. Not to go into it for self-gain or material items. To be
completely honest with anyone that took the time to write to me, no matter
how hard or painful it was. Because of that simple choice, I have been
able to develop and enjoy some of the most rewarding, loving, and
unconditional friendships that I have ever experienced. That has been
completely priceless, and the very thing that has kept me going for these
last 8 years.
My next step was get involved with my appeals. I knew nothing about the
appeal process, the law or the courts. Even though I had been in quite a
bit of trouble in my past, it was all alien to me. I had never came close
to going to prison and never went to trial. I always took the best deal
and pled guilty to my crimes. Got my slap on the hand from the system and
moved on. So this whole appeal process was new to me.
I was soon to learn that appeals can be a complete nightmare.
Thankfully, I have and had some very great attorneys throughout it all. I
hated every step of this damn appeal process. First, I learn that I had
made a terrible mistake - admitting my guilt. So many times I had to read
from judges and courts, "Well there is no doubt to his guilt"
and I was like no shit, I've admitted it from the start. But because I
did, do I have to die for my crimes? It sure looked that way for quite
some time. All I can say now, is, if facing the death penalty, never admit
your guilt no matter if you feel its the right thing to do or not. It will
only be used against you!
The next step and by far the hardest one that I needed to accomplish to
succeed in my fight for life was this. I had to learn to love myself
again! No, not forgive myself because I don't think I could ever truly
forgive myself for what I did. But to love myself! I have never really
hated anything or anyone in my whole life, but after I did what I did and
after going through my trial I flat out hated myself. I hated the way I
lived my life and the choices I made. I hated that I had murdered two very
innocent people that had every right to live. I hated that, through my
actions, I had destroyed my own life along with many others. I hated to
even look at myself in the mirror. Thankfully the cells in IMU have no
mirrors so that is something that I didn't have to do often. Because of
the solitude of the super max unit, I was able to look deep within myself.
What I soon discovered was that the guilt I suffered was in fact a good
thing. I couldn't deny it, run from it or act like what I did did not
trouble me. What I had to do was embrace it and not let it consume me. It
would forever be a part of my life; I just couldn't let it control my
life. I also was able to look deep within myself and love myself. I had to
see more than just the bad. People are not born bad, they chose to be bad
and they chose to do bad things. I realized that not everything about
myself was in fact bad, not everything about my life or childhood was bad.
It would only remain bad if I chose to only see the bad.
I realized that I had a strong desire to change, to be good and do good
things with my life. Deep down inside of me I had a good heart and felt
like I was a good person. But now how do I show others this? How do I try
to do good and give something, no matter how small, back? I do believe
that I have made great strides in this area, and it wasn't easy. I also
learned that I was a very stubborn man. I was very set in a lot of my
dysfunctional ways. This is still and always will be a work in progress. I
learned that it’s a whole lot harder to be good and make good, smart
choices in your life than to be bad and selfish. But after about 2 years I
was able to start to love myself again and become a completely different
person than I was on that day in 1993 when a jury sentenced me to death.
No I do not give myself all the credit. I would have never grown into the
person I am today without the guidance, love, and support from the
hundreds of strangers that blessed my life. But I do give credit to myself
for the complete honesty and openness with which I approached them .
Without that everything would have remained meaningless and I would not
have changed one bit.
There is no way that I could possibly explain the process of a death
penalty appeal to you all or what life on death row is like. It is one
huge roller coaster ride of emotions and a total mind fuck. The reason so
many people give up their appeals and let the government kill them is not
out of guilt for their crimes or remorse, but because emotionally they
just cannot take it anymore. I reached that point many of times myself. I
would sit in this cell and ask myself, "What the hell am I even
fighting for? What's the point of it all? I have an easy way out, a way to
stop all my pain and misery."
In my past I always took the easy way out. I always gave up when things
got to hard to deal with. Whether it was through drug abuse, or just
walking away from my responsibilities. I bailed out, took the chicken shit
way out. Well not this time! Even if it was to be spent forever in prison,
I would fight for life to the very bitter end. Win or lose at least I
would be able to say that for once I fought for something I felt
passionate about. For 8 long years I dealt with the appeal process. Many
times, it completely drained me. At times things would look so good, my
issues seemed so strong. At others times, I would feel like I had no
chance of winning at all. Up and down I rode this bronco, always trying to
stay positive and never letting my fears show. Those of you who have
written to me over the years have seen this and lived it with me. Even
though I knew I didn't have to, I've tried so hard to keep my emotional
duress out of my letters and phone calls to you. Well, I am happy to
report to all of you readers that the ride from hell is just about over
for me and that this is a success story. On June 28, 2001 a Federal Judge
out of Spokane Washington overturned my sentence of death. I still write
to you from death row waiting to be moved, but as I write my sentence is
no longer death, but stands at life without parole.
I know I titled this column Life After Death. Some of you may not
comprehend the depth of that? For 8 years now no matter how good things
looked or how positive I was about my future, I have truly felt like I was
just waiting around to die. Time had no meaning for me what so ever
because I knew that, if it ran its course, I was going to be hung by my
government. So I truly feel as if I have been given a whole new life and a
new destiny to fulfill in this life. The death penalty and the appeal
process are to me by far the cruelest thing you can put a human being
through. Now I know that might sound very strange coming from a self
admitted murder of two people. But look at it through my eyes. Yes, I
murdered two people. But it happened in a split second - an irrational
choice made in a moment of time. If they knew at all that they were in
fact going to die, it was very, very briefly. I on the other hand have
been forced to think about my own death for over 8 years now. And think
about it I did, every single day - the countless sleepless nights walking
the gallows stairs. I can still remember very clearly when I lost my first
appeal and had to go to court to have an execution date set. Even though I
knew it would never happen and I would have a stay within hours, I can
still remember walking out of that courtroom, seeing the complete fear in
my baby sister’s eyes. Then on the drive back to Walla Walla wondering,
"Doesn't anyone else find it morbid that a date time and hour was
just set to kill me?"
Capital punishment is one of the most shameful acts that the United
States is guilty of. I would not wish the process or life on my worst
enemies and that is the truth! You see, when we kill someone through the
process of capital punishment, 90% of the time we are not killing the same
person that committed the horrible act that placed them on death row. You
are in fact killing a completely different person! You have given them 10,
15, or 20 years to grow and change into someone else. I am a perfect
example of that. If my execution had ever been carried out, they would not
have killed the drug addicted kid that murdered two people. They would be
killing a man that had changed in so many ways that most people from my
past would not even believe that I was the same person.
I have known now for almost 2 years that I was going to win my appeal.
The way things developed and the way the law supported my issues, left me
with no doubt that I was going to win. But for me to sit here and tell you
that it washed away all my doubts and fears would be for me to sit here
and lie to you. No matter how good things look or appear nothing is
certain when you’re dealing with the death penalty. No one can guess or
predict how a judge or court is going to rule in your case. To do so is
flat out asinine! But 2 years of looking at my issues and the law that
supported me told me I was going to win. But in the last year I became
completely sure that I would win. Call it faith, call it whatever you
please? But this is what convinced me. As I have told you I made great
strides in becoming a good person, so that's part of it. But in the last
year I have been blessed with a love that I thought I would never be
capable of experiencing again. My life was blessed with a couple of
childhood friends from my past that mean the world to me. And my son Devon
who was born while I was waiting to go to trial has now become a huge part
of my life after 8 1/2 years. So I knew deep in my heart that there was no
way that God, or whoever you like, would bring these elements into my
life, would bless me in so many ways, if it wasn't in fact my destiny to
be around for a very long time to rekindle and enjoy the beauty of it all.
My story and appeal is a success for a bigger reason than just
delivering me from the insane sentence of death. It is a success because
through my case we were able to set and establish some great case law that
is going to help many more condemned people in their appeals. This fight
wasn't about innocence like so many are. It was about justice and your
constitutional rights. Rights that are guarantied to every American and
yet are violated so often by the government and police, and ignored by the
courts. The greatest pleasure I get out of all of this is knowing that, by
fighting and never giving up, I may in fact be helping to deliver many
others from the evil sentence of death!
From the very start of all of this I have tried my very best to become
a better person in life. I have made great strides in doing just this with
very limited resources available to me. Now since my life and my whole
world are about to change, so many more things will be available to me to
continue in my growth process. I will continue to strive to do good and
look forward to it very much. Hopefully soon I will be able to write a
column about all the changes in my life and how I am applying them in a
positive way? Never once throughout all of this have I allowed myself to
feel self-pity or sorry for myself. I made the choices in life and did the
things that landed me where I am. No, it was not the fault of the drugs or
a violent, abusive childhood. Yes, they may have guided me on the paths
that I chose to take in my life. That is the key statement. The choices I
made! I hold myself completely responsible for all the things that I did
in life. I do carry a heavy burden guilt and remorse for the lives that I
have turned upside down and destroyed. I will always carry that burden.
Not too many people could walk in my shoes, or endure the shame I do. But
I will not let that stop me from continuing to grow and become a better
man.
Now I know that, to most everyone, a life without the possibility of
release or parole is not something that would be seen as a good thing? In
a lot of ways, I don't either. But it beats the hell out of death. The
difference is that I will be alive. I know I can create a life for myself
even from behind these steel bars and walls. I also feel that I will
accomplish great things that will make many proud to know me and be a part
of my life. I also, even though its hard to admit, feel that I have no
right, considering what I did, to expect to ever have a life outside of
prison.
